Something About Mary

Me = sore. I ran/walked 25 miles yesterday and today for relay for life here at my school, and the fact that I'm out of shape is sadly evident. I actually have to limp at times :-) Dang it James, you and your stupid suggestions. It was fun though. After that I went to a retirement home for a class service project. First, we played "Let's Make a Deal". I was on a team with a women named Mary, who spent most of the time telling me I was good looking and assuring me that one day, I would meet a pretty, intelligent, nice and pretty girl. She proceeded to tell me that if she was 25 years younger, she would date me herself. That was special, but it made me smile considering she would still be in her late 40s. Sorry Mary, I'm not Ashton Kutcher. Also this week in the news, I got a job as a Peer Advisor! That means that in the fall I'll be a student leader helping mentor somewhere around 14 freshman. I'm pretty excited.

Wake up

I'm very bored lately with the mediocre, the superficial, the apathetic. I don't want to miss out. I want to be active, to get involved, to go deeper. To milk everyday for all it's worth. To wake up. Every moment is pregnant with possibility, and I want to explore it. I have the same schedule, week after week. I get comfortable, but do I grow? To some extent, I guess, but I want more. I want to take a more active role. I want to dig beneath the surface and unleash the potential of myself and my friendships. I want to explore my gifts and use them for good. I want to build up those around me. I want to justify all the time and money I'm investing into my life. And I don't want to be satisfied, to feel complete, to settle. I don't even know where all this is coming from. I just want to be a faithful servant with what I've got.

Happy New Year!

Here it is, the first post of 2008. Another year come and gone. They don't lie, time really does get faster as you get older. I can't imagine what a year's gonna feel like when I'm old and have kids and real responsibilities... That's despressing, so I'll move on. I can't complain too much about the past year. It's been a good one, all things considered. It's gone fast, but a lot has happened this year. Spring saw the conclusion of my first year at SAU. Despite the cost difference, the transfer from Baker has been worth it in pretty much every way possible. I've grown spiritually and academically in ways I don't think I ever would have before. And living around people I can relate to doesn't hurt either. I love the community there, and I've made some great friends.
Over the summer I got to live in my own house (with three other guys) and enjoy all the benefits and responsibilities that come along with that. It wasn't exaclty what I expected going in, but it was worth it. The town I lived in, Upland, was the type of place where everybody knows everbody, but that's about all they know. JK. It's about the closest thing to Mayberry I'll probably every experience. As the closest WalMart was 30 minutes away, shopping trips actually had to be planned. Weird.
This last semester has been by far my hardest semester yet academically. I was working more, taking harder classes, and to make life sweeter, I didn't get my textbooks 'til about a month into school because my loans didn't come through. That last bit was mostly my own fault, because I didn't take care of stuff when I should have. Ooops. It also almost ended up causing me to spend the semester at home, just working. Live and learn I guess. Here are some important lessons I've learned through it all, in no particular order:

1. Coffee is your friend
2. Why put off today what you could have done a week ago?
3. Sleep is a luxury, not a requirement
4. Because sleep is not always a reality (see no. 3) sanity is also optional.
5. Time managment is a good idea (I don't always go for good ideas).
6. Don't buy a planner for 2008 when it's September of 2007.
7. Don't major in Computer Science unless you're a nerd.
8. My car is poopy.
9. I'm four.
10. God is cool.

Like I said, overall this year's been a good one. God has taught me a lot of new things, and reminded me of some old ones. 2008 is already looking pretty sweet: Mexico, Europe, and the beginning of my senior year (kind of). Alriight!

Looking back

Coming home for the holidays always brings back interesting memories from my past, good times and bad; who I was, what I've been through since, and where that leaves me now. It also reminds of the people of my past. It's always good to hang out with my close friends and reminisce about the good times of years long past. But there are also those reunions that do not bring back fond memories or happy feelings. They revive painful memories of that vulnerable, sheltered, naive boy I used to be. For a brief moment, I sense a bit of resentment or anger somewhere deep inside me. It reminds me that the past really does hang on the heels of the future, that I am still a human being fully capable of failure. But at the same time these memories remind me of how far I've come and encourage me to keep pushing forward. They are part of who I am. Without pain there is no growth, and without mistakes there is no learning. So here's to tomorrow's memories, good and bad, joy and struggle... I can't wait.

Dance with me.

Have you rested enough, my child?
I think so. What have you brought me here to do?
What do you think you should do?
Should I sing?
Not tonight. You do that enough already.
Should I pray?
Maybe a little, but I want to do most of the talking this time.
Should I dance.
Sure, go ahead, dance...
But wait, I'll look silly. No, no, I can't do that. Maybe I could-
YOU DANCE FOR THEM! Why can't you dance for me? You are more comfortable around them than me?
No, that's not what I meant... perhaps. It-, I-, um...
Hush... come dance with me.
I do not know how.
Then walk with me.
This way?
No. Not with them this time. Tonight it is just you and I.
Then where?
This way, to a place only you and I can be.
But so much good is happening right here.
Are you going to spend your whole life standing still? You say you want to hear me, so listen. Follow me.
Show me the way.
Here we are.
It's...beautiful. You made this just for me? When?
It's been here all along.
Why couldn't I see?
You were too busy looking to them.
Why have you brought me here?
To teach you to dance. Try.
I am so clumsy.
You will learn. Now take my hand... I will show you more of this place.
There is more?
Oh my child, don't you understand? we have barely scratched the surface.

Come. Come see what I have prepared for you. Come see what you've been missing out on. Come explore a place that will blow your mind. Come celebrate. Come... Come dance with me!

Windy City

I spent this past weekend exploring Chicago with my Core 200 class. It was pretty sweet. I didn't know one city could be so diverse, and sadly, so segregated. We'd be driving in an almost all black community one minute, go under a bridge barely a block away, and find ourselves in the Mexican community, or Indian, or Latino, or China Town, then back in the black community again. It was sad to see how separated these people are from each other and from the wealthier parts of the city. We got to visit some of the churches in the different communities and talk to some of the Christians who lived in the rougher areas. Despite the conditions, they seemed surprisingly optimistic. We also visited several museums, got to see some sweet mural art, sampled about five different types of ethnic foods (along with Chicago style pizza), and got to hang out on the "Magnificent Mile" Saturday night. I confess it kind of made me want to move to a big city for a while. Anyway, I'm back at school now, enjoying the quiet, chill atmosphere here at Spring Arbor, and trying to catch up on some homework, so I should probably cut this short for now. God bless!

-cm

Friday, September 14, 2007

I just had one of the coolest, craziest, most powerful experiences I have ever had. All through last school year, I heard from different people about a weekly prayer meeting on campus called Consuming Fire. I made attempts to go before, but something always got in the way, so I never really got around to it. Last night, Chase Hammontree said he was going, so I decided to check it out. I had heard it was kind of different; people falling on the floor, speaking in tongues, healings, etc. and honestly, I was a bit skeptical about the whole thing. But I went anyway. I needed something fresh, so I figured I’d give it a try.
Right at first, it didn’t seem like anything too awfully special. They had some people playing music in the back, which I thought was a pretty cool set up, because it helped put the focus on God, not the musicians. I faded into the crowd and sang for a while, then prayed for a while, and began searching my heart. I found myself being overcome by feelings of inadequacy and failure. I prayed for help. I asked God to cleanse me of all my shortcomings that were getting in the way of what he was trying to do in me. I was in the midst of all this when it hit me; God gently saying, “Enough my child. I’ve already forgiven you. It’s already done. Paid for. It is finished.”
The thought of that comforted me, but it made me realize how much condemnation I’d allowed to build up inside and how I wasn’t truly, fully accepting God’s forgiveness. I sat down and began to ponder how to get over this. Somebody in the crowd, praying out loud, made the statement, paraphrased, that we as Christians do not have the right to beat ourselves up for our weaknesses. I knew this was true. It’s what God had already been saying to me. I was already forgiven. No, not perfect, but God was fully aware of my blemishes before he died for me. He’s not suprised by the fact that I’m human.
Around this time, the focus of the meeting kind of shifted, and a guy in the front invited anybody who needed prayer to go down. A small group of people started dancing and jumping around up front. At one point everybody started laughing hysterically apparently at nothing. It was a little different, but good to see. Ironically, this was right after one of the girls had prayed for God to send joy. I stayed in my seat to pray and think. Some people were praying over Chase, so I walked down to join them. After I was done, I introduced myself to a couple of the leaders. After exchanging names, one of them asked if I had anything I needed prayer for. I said that I did, and asked him, in so many words, to pray that I would be able to fully accept the love and forgiveness that was already given to me, not allow Satan to hold me down with my past failures.
One of the leaders anointed me with oil, which was a new experience for me, and then the two of them laid their hands on me and began to pray, among other things, that I would feel God’s love. I hadn’t explained very deeply to the guys what I was going through that night, but they seemed to pray for exactly what I needed. A few more people joined the group, and I think eventually five or six guys surrounded me. I suddenly felt humbled in the presence of God. My legs began to shake a little bit. I felt like I was going to weep, but not from sadness. I began to feel like never before that I was loved, that I was good enough for God, that nothing could separate me from his love. Not my failures, not Satan’s power, not anything this world could throw at me. My legs were shaking even more now. I’d heard about supernatural experiences like this, but I told myself I wasn’t going to fall over, that I’d be faking it or something.
Then one of the guys praying over me asked God to let his love fall heavy on me (or something to that effect). I was so overwhelmed by his love. Here I was, still so inadequate, but his love for me remained unchanged. I finally couldn’t stand any more. My legs went numb. I felt weightless almost, like I had no control over myself. I couldn’t really feel anything, except for the light touch of a few hands on my back lowering me to the ground. It felt so strange. I didn’t know what was happening. I still don’t fully comprehend it. I felt like laughing and crying. Part of me wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but I don’t think I could of. Everybody was still sitting around me and praying. I must have had a pretty confused look on my face, because one of the guys praying made a joke about how I had no idea what was going on. I tried to see if I could get up, but it was all I could do to lift my head. I began to shake all over, but I wasn’t cold. I wasn’t even scared. I couldn’t stop. I was dumbfounded.
The guys left me there to hang out with God for a bit, one occasionally coming back to pray over me. My arms were crossed over my chest. I tried to lift them up, but they only fell open on the floor. I felt so exposed, so vulnerable. Then God spoke. Ok, not audibly, there was no overwhelming light in the sky, no earthquakes. But it all came rushing in, as if a giant dam had just broken loose: “Stop. Stop right there. Stop trying to move. Stop trying to use your own strength. Let me do my thing. Give in. Yes you fall short. You can’t even stand on your own two feet without my help, but you don’t have to, because you’re mine. I wont let you stand alone. I have so much I want to give you, if only you’ll let me. I love you more than you could ever know”.
I felt like an infant wrapped up in my father’s loving arms. I couldn’t stop smiling. I suddenly felt a freedom I hadn’t felt to that magnitude in quite some time. How had I allowed Satan to control this part of me for so long? I’m still trying to digest the whole thing. I didn’t have any visions or revelations or speak in tongues or anything, but God knew exactly what I needed. I prayed to be broken, but he took me gently, laid me down, and revealed a peace that I had concealed behind my worry and doubt. God’s gift is such a simple thing that I’ve heard about and believed in for most of my life, and last night God grabbed me, pulled me tight, and reassured me he’s still just as real and powerful as ever and he’s not letting me go. I am his child.

CM